The Beginning.

This year September came to me with a bitter chill. In exchange for my heart-filled dreams of someday, it handed me loss and loneliness. I released my sorrow through tears every night until my dreams could rescue me from reality for a few brief hours. Then, the alarm would go off, all too soon, and the ache would consume me once again. This pattern continued for the next few weeks until I simply could cry no more. This was my September. A month when it seemed there was no external solace, and I found myself crying out to God like never before. Sometimes it was a bitter argument of “Why’s?” and “How could you’s?”, and other times it was a remorseful apology, “I am so sorry, please forgive me.” But most often I found myself with only the strength to say, “Daddy, I need you.” I wish I could tell you that in this dark hour, I trusted God completely and never doubted his heart. But to tell you the truth, I was too exhausted to find the good in it all. All I could do was wait and see what He would do.

Meredith Grey once said, “At the end of the day, faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don’t really expect it. It’s like one day you wake up and you realize that the fairytale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well it may not be a castle, and it’s not so important happily ever after- just that it’s happy right now. See once in awhile, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you, and once in awhile people may even take your breath away.” That is exactly what happened. God brought eight beautiful people into my life when I thought that all hope was lost He used each of them to love me, to give me courage to continue fighting, and to give me a renewed passion for this life. But His story and our season together did not end with my healing. The last two months they have become the true friends I have always wanted. They are the friends you celebrate the little and grand victories with like finally having the courage to declare your major, the day you wake up fever free after eight days, and passing the test you had been dreading. They know how to share the joy and laughter and beauty in life, embracing it with everything they have; when I am with them, every day is an adventure to be had. They have taught me how not only to dream but to trust that placing these dreams in God’s hands, they could actually become a reality.

They are my Ruhamahs and Ammis- my sisters and brothers. They are my family, the real kind that according to Shuana Niequest get made “when the world becomes strange and disorienting…when the future obscures itself like a solar eclipse, and in the intervening darkness, you decide no matter what happens in the night you’ll face it as one.” No matter what fears and attacks have come my way, no matter how deep my heart has been wounded, no matter how far I have journeyed into the dark, I have not faced it alone. They have been there every step of the way covering me in prayer, calling out the lies, and reminding me that “there is good left in this world and it is worth fighting for”. They have never given up on me or abandoned me.

Perhaps what I love most about them, though, is they are the body of Christ. In a society when the word “church” is so often associated with a building, political views, and condemning attitudes, they remind me what the church was created to be- a group of people known for their love. That is who I know them to be…a group of people who love God and others with their whole hearts; people who have a heart for the world, who long to feed the poor, heal the sick, and embrace the lonely. They are a group of imperfect people whose heart cry is that God would use them. As one of them prayed, “Lord I acknowledge that You could use anyone to establish Your Kingdom on earth; You could use anyone to encourage and fight for Your children, my brothers and sisters. You don’t even need to use us to do those things, but Holy God, I would be honored if you would use me. Here I am, send me. Thank you for the honor, Lord.” This prayer echoes each of their hearts. I have no doubt that God will continue to use them to change thousands of lives as they have changed mine.

As months grow closer to summer, soon our time together will slowly fade into goodbyes, and we will embark on the next path of our journeys. Wherever you go, whether to Africa or Chicago or anywhere in between, I want you: Kory, Tyler, Will, Alicia, Kim, Amberly, Abbey, and Casey to know I hold you in my heart. I will carry with me our photography outings, afternoons in the park, endless hours of conversations over coffee and London Fogs, sassy moments, stargazing, and near-death experiences while watching the lights change in the middle of the road. I will never forget our times of intimate worship and prayer, Disney and musical sing-a-alongs, beautiful quotes and story sharing, late nights immersed in music in someone’s car, swing dancing in the parking lot of Taco Bell, spontaneous quests, cheerleading stunts, dreaming out loud and inside jokes like “Intelligent woman + beautiful man= babies!” I will hold every verse, every dream, every word, every sweet embrace, and every moment in my heart wherever I go. Thank you for who you are. I am forever changed because of my time spent with each of you. I love you and thank Dad for you from the bottom of my heart.